Life of Pumpkin ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ: New Year... things. .

Happy New Year! :)

I thought I should write something about my last year. Because this year was really meaningful to me. But when I come to write it, I don`t really know where to start.

Actually I feel like the Christmas of year 2012 was just a few days ago but 1 year has been passed since that. Back then the fact we were still in America was a miracle and 1 year later we`re still here so basically nothing really changed. I got jobs, I lost jobs and I absolutely had no clue what to do with my life. I knew that I don`t want to stay here, like this, doing nothing and just letting the time pass by. I always tried to surpass this feeling inside me and only doing the translations but all my friends were working hard so I couldn`t avoid thinking about my future. The thought of 2 years passed with doing nothing was so frustrating. But now I don`t think about it that way.

My life

It changed. Not my life exactly, but me. During the summer I was working as a babysitter and that was a good period for me. I felt like I will be having this job for a long time but then I was told that a newborn is coming and if I don`t want to take care of him, they won`t need me anymore. Since then I haven`t got any real job. When the school has started, all my friends were concerned in studying and stuff. And then I started to talk about college with Chingu. At first it was for her, but something popped in my mind. I thought going home would be possible if I want to study at a university. I came up with the idea of going home, finishing high school and attending university together with my best friend. I was really excited when I made up my mind. I kept telling everybody that I`ll live with her, go to university with her and I couldn`t imagine other solutions anymore regarding my future. We started to look for a school and then I started study.

I`ve never thought it would be this hard. I was desperate because of everything. I was anxious whether I can go to university or not. I felt like I could never learn all these things all by myself at home. But I wanted to go home so badly I haven`t really thought about any other solution beyond the university. But when I was about to break down I started thinking if the university is really the only one option. No. Not really. So I won`t go to university. But at first I was afraid to tell this to Chingu, because I felt guilty for changing my mind by myself and maybe she would think I`m leaving her alone with this thing. So the night when I decided this, I was really anxious because she wasn`t online, I couldn`t talk to her right then. But in the end she simply accepted my decision so I was worried for nothing like always. :) I`ll stay at home for a long period. We`ll live together. This is what I know for sure. I mean. I think these are for sure.

The school is still hard, studying like this, across the computer, and not being able to meet my teachers. But I`m trying to do what I can and since I don`t want to go to university, I don`t have to worry about my final`s result.

My feelings

Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. I`m 19 years old and it was so hard to make these kind of decisions. I couldn`t depend on anyone in making them since it`s my life, I have to know what is good for me. I`m glad my parent`s don`t want to control my life and they let me do what I want to do. Even though even I don`t know exactly what is that. I`m thinking a lot about how would I have decided back then when I was only 17 years old. If I would have stayed at home back then, my life would be completely different by now. And I think it`s quite scary. A life without Chingu and this dream I have right now. Maybe I would have been attending some college I don`t even enjoy. When I think about these things, I`m truly glad I came here. It`s a cruel thing for a 17-18 years old teen to make life decision. I feel a little bit more matured now. :)

What I`m happy for is: Going home, meeting my dad, friends, taking a rest in Germany. In April I`ll give a my hobbit a choking hug after two years. My first hug I`ll give her. My birthday present is giving her a biiig hug. :)

Why I`m unhappy...

I`ll leave my brother and my mother behind. If I think of this, I feel like crying. Since I was born, my brother was always beside me. We always had shared room, shared things, friends that were both of us friends. He`s like my other half. I can feel when he is in the room and when he is not. If he is unhappy, I`m unhappy also. If he`s mad, I`m mad also. Being separated your other half is the most painful thing ever. I could feel this sadness when he wasn`t at home and I was going to sleep, but the room was so empty I couldn`t sleep til he got home. Right now my biggest wish is him to be happy and not to miss me too much when I`m going home. Because I don`t know when we`ll be able to meet again since I`m not even sure to come back for the summer or Christmas holiday. You might be curious about his opinion. He said 'just go home! it`ll be strange, but go'. So yeah, he is always trying to make things funny and he doesn`t show what he really feels. When I had hard times, he was worrying about me, and when I wasn`t at home but with my mom somewhere else, he called my mom to make sure I`m okay and I feel better.

Everyone should cherish their siblings, because you can`t live together until the end of the times. You have to go to separate ways when you don`t know when you will you be able to see each other again.

And also we just got together with mom and she was the only one person I could talk to the way I talk to my best friends. We fought a lot, but we shared a lot of happy moments together. I know I`m a bad daughter, but I`m proud of her being my mom. I`m really thankful to her from the bottom of my heart.

Why I`m worried and scared...

The thought of living together with Chingu. No, not exactly that but the thought of her doesn`t like to be with me. Since we never met. It`s because I`m getting further away from my close friends since I came in the USA. I feel like we could get along well only when we were next to each other and this long time was too much for our friendship. Our friendship with Chingu feels like a miracle to me. It has been two years already and as I said we have never met. But it still like we have been known each other since we were born. She feels when I`m in a bad mood and she really was there for me every time I felt down. I`m afraid of this thing getting disappeared when we meet because maybe I`m not the person she thought I was, and she won`t enjoy living together with me. It sounds really dumb, right? >< Maybe it comes from the frustration I feel nowadays. I`m getting angry because of the smallest thing and I feel like blowing up from these worries that come to my mind at the most random moments.

I don`t want to disappoint her, since it`ll be hard for her too, so I want to become a friend she can always rely on.

I think this was more than enough of serious things. ><