Random

Hey, everybody!

I know I`m a horrible blogger but now I feel like writing so I`m doing so although I`m all sleepy and it`s almost midnight. >.< - my English might be bad now, sorry sorry ^^" -

Where should I start?

First of all, in my previous entry I wrote about my new job. So I`m gonna leave that place soon, because Itay is going to school from September on whole weeks. The newborn is coming in October but I don`t feel enough responsibility to take care of him, moreover it would be living in, 4 days in a week. I`m planning to go evening language school so it`d be a problem to make the balance between them. So I called Richard to help me find a job and he is on it. 

Other topic!

Recently I decided to take a little break from my 'Bob life'. I know, I know. Chingu told me it`s impossible, but I feel so bad. I mean... Okay, I know it`s hard to be a fan. But. Listen. I`m really fragile. I`m addicted to him more than anybody else in Asia. It means that if I`m watching an FT Island video, I always look for him, and it`s like... I`m smiling whatever he does. If he comes on the scene for only 3 seconds, I`m already smiling and start imagining every sort of thing. I`m addicted to EVERY movements of his. 

I`ve arrived to the point when I can`t explain this feeling. Even when he is talking in a normal way, my stomach starts moving up and down. I`m watching how he is talking to the other members when he doesn`t do any 'idiot stuff', just talking to them. His way of talking, laughing... If he pops into my mind while I`m eating, my appetite suddenly goes away. I mean it. I hate this. I hate that I love him in every ridiculously tiny way. I hate that I wrote fanfictions and lived into it that for now I`m able to believe that he would love me. Who do I think am I, right? I`m just a fan, whose existence they don`t even know about so what I want to do? Even if we meet one day, he will only shake hands with me, ask my name in an incredibly sweet way, then I`ll have walk away and never meet him again. Isn`t it cruel? I tried to explain this to mom, but I guess she didn`t really understand, she was smiling, I were already sent myself to a psychologist. 

I`m imagining all kind of stuffs about him even when I`m working. Like, oh what would happen if he suddenly bumps into me in the streets of Brooklyn and asks for some help. Then I`m like... slapping myself. Today I really did. Actually it`s not my first time. I can`t have a crush on an idol. I can`t! It`s not because he is my ultimate bias... Shige is my ultimate bias, too. But somehow with him it`s different. Maybe because he is older or he looks more unreachable for me. No matter how playboy, sweet, dumbass, looser he is, I never feel the way I feel in Bob`s case. Bob seems more reachable... it`s already ridiculous... xD 

So I`m trying hard to think of him in an other way but I don`t know how to do that. Because he is a member of my second favorite band. It`s hard not to deal with them after 3 days. It`s frustrating, hurts inside but whenever I see him, I start smiling and everything starts over... I`m trying to change, but I think it`s not gonna work until I get a boyfriend. It seems almost as impossible now as meeting Bob. XD 

Not a long time ago my friend asked me what I feel when I look at Bob. I told her that I`m gonna write an entry here but I actually didn`t do. Maybe next time, I`m not in that mood right now. :'D 

I cut off this topic here. xD

An other things what I think nowadays is about her. I mean, my idiot best friend called Chingu. Ok, it`s not that hurtful thing as in Bob`s case, because she is real, and our friendship too. XD But it drives me crazy that she is so freaking far away from me. Because we never met. I`ve never had any chance to express my feelings towards her directly. I feel like I`m gonna explode. This feeling resembles me my feelings towards Bob but in friendship. I`m so blessed I don`t know if I will able to show her how much I love her. I know she is gonna read this but I should write this here, because she`s always get scared when I say her such things. XD She is my pabo, egoist, hobbit, insane, has-twins-as-chests, big-hearted best friend, who always loves me, no matter how stupid I am, actually sometimes she is stupid too, so it`s a win-win. xD But our friendship is one of the most beautiful things in my life. :)

It`s maybe because I`m sleepy but i cannot express anything now, so this entry has absolutely no meaning. But I leave it that way although I wanted to delete it. XD

So I`m gonna sleep now and dream about Shige, because I miss him and just because I deserve it. :3 

- btw how do you like the new look? :3 -

Have a nice day! ^_^