Inspiration from my bias.

Konbanwa! 

It`s 12:03 am. Tomorrow I`ll turn to 19. For some reason I feel like write down a lot of things of my past before I`m gonna be one year older. I don`t know why... 19 isn`t even a special number... I won`t be major either. I mean, I am in Europe, because people there will be major when they turn to 18. But I think a person who is 18 is too young to be major. Here you have to be 21 to get in a bar or buy alcohol. People are very strict regarding this. But I can understand. I don`t feel I am an adult already, but tomorrow I will be older... when will I feel that I am an adult I wonder... I still don`t want to do a lot of things because of that stupid reason I am too young. I am not, right? I should work but I don`t want to. In this age my dad was already in Germany. He went there when he was 17. I feel like oh my god! When I was 17 my biggest problem was to get good grades in school. My mom was the same. I`m too spoiled compared to them. 

It was a quite serious start. xD By the way I`ve got a haircut. This is how I look now. ->

I think it`s different from the picture I show the hairdresser. But everyone says it`s cute, so it sure is. >< I`ll get purple highlights also. My dad`s gonna be thrilled. :') 

Well... I`m 19 already! - Now you want to say that?! - But if I can use my age as a reason I should do so! C: 

Now I`m listening only News again. For this entry I wanted to do so, because they`re perfect for writing.

Somehow I`m serious right now, am I? I`ve read a lot of essay from Shige. I thought about how he can express his feelings even if he doesn`t use any emoticons. 

So I gave it a try. But I always use emoticons so it`s quite strange now. I wanna look as smart as my bias.... Hah, but it`s ridiculous even to write down... so... as smart as I can. 

His essays are amazing just like him. I know I always compliment him but I can`t say anything else.

I always thought that his writings are too intellectual, difficult to understand or boring. But I was wrong... at maximum! These writings are beautiful and touching. On the day before yesterday I was quite lonely. I barely can talk to my friends on weekdays. So I made myself to do some translation. Then one of my best friends write me so we talked. But when she went to sleep I was lonely again. It`s not like that they can be there whenever I feel sad. There is no such thing as telepathy. Even if I write to them, they won`t read it right away.  

So after I finished translating, I couldn`t do anything with myself. I almost went to sleep. But there is that quote: 'Don`t go to sleep if you`re still upset. Stay up and take revenge!' So I didn`t go. I read Shige`s essays instead. And in one of his essays he wrote about 'laugh.' He wrote silly things... silly, and sweet. He wrote how he likes make other people laugh. And as I read this writing, I laughed too... Honestly I almost cried. What is he doing to me?! 

In these short stories he writes things about himself. His past or his friends. Things what made him change or regret something. Anyway... He doesn`t write only nice things about himself. Moreover, sometimes I can feel he hates himself. He is an idol who never will like his own self wholly. 

He wrote: 'I remembered a trauma of my junior school time. During the time from the first year of school to the second one I was suddenly being ignored by all my friends. This wasn't a typical case of bullying, I was just clearly being hated. I was confused not understanding the reasons so in the fog of my bad feelings I called one of my friends to ask him "What happened?", I just wanted to know this. 

He answered: "Isn't it obvious? You only do things to being hated". 
Then he explained finely to me all my single evil-doings. 
In short, at that time I was impudent with my words, egoist, a so-called "THE only child". 
My behaviour was like Jaian: I teased my friends and made fun of them, so they were like Suneo and in the end they exploded. I was suddenly hated.
The one bullying them was me. When I realized all this I was tortured by an unbearable sense of loss. Then I cried. 

I really was a weak person. Mine was only a bluff. I'm sorry. Sorry. I mean it.'

This made me remember of my elementary school years. It was horrible. Well... from grade 1st to 3rd it wasn`t that bad... I don`t really remember that much thing. But when we moved to an other place, everything has changed. It was right after when our parents separated. It was a little village when we moved to. It had only 1000 resident. I think now it`s less... It was only maximum 11 students in the classes. And they grown up together since preschool. So when I joined the class, nobody liked me. Sometimes I think about what can do a 9 years old now and what couldn`t I. I didn`t have a personality. I just wanted them to accept me. So that they used me... for example when two best friend had a fight, one of them came to me to talk about the other half. But when they made up, I was nobody again. They laughed at me, I couldn`t have even an opinion. Moreover, teachers liked me because I was a good student and got good grades. I was bullied too. So to make the to accept me I made horrible things. I started to bully a girl from the class. I thought it`s cool and everybody`s gonna like me and I can be their friends and a member of their group. I was the worst. And I never said sorry to that girl. Later we finished as friends. I don`t know how or why. I mean, with that girl. But I never said sorry. Later... in grade 7th and 8th it was better for a little bit. I got friends but I still was used. They were two girls in the class who counted to the cool girls. I always wanted to be accepted by them. Why?! Why did I? They didn`t even deserve it. I was the worst again... When I felt I made some friends, then they just told me 'You`re annoying! We`re don`t want to be with you!' Sure I was... because I always wanted to be accepted. And I looked like a looser. Maybe it was at those times when my personality got some rudeness. I could change a little bit. I made two friends and they`re still my friends. I felt I found my place... but if I could go back to the past, I would redo a lot of things. Almost everything. But I`m happy I could made some friends. I think I didn`t deserve them though...

I couldn`t wait to graduate from elementary school and get into high school. I wanted to start a new life. I found all my classmates on the school`s website so some of them I already got to be friends before school. With one of them we decided to be in the same room in the dormitory. I was excited... But it was terrible. That girl was the worst choice ever. I was outcast again. After four months I couldn`t endure it anymore so I moved out of the dormitory. After that I had to wake up at 4 every morning and got home by 5. In those hard times I made two true friends. They showed me the world of anime. - It was where everything started - But I failed as being their friends. I was jealous when they didn`t invite me to somewhere or talked people I hate. I finished to be hated by them too. Those was the worst times in my whole life. I cried every night. But after a little time we made up. Still I decided to change school, because it was hard for me to travel every day that much. But one of them is still one of my best friend. They said sorry to me, so did I. 

Still... In the new school I tried my best to be accepted... again. I looked like an idiot. Then I made a friend. From the nowhere. She was that one who I thought about 'I'm sure she won`t be my friend.' That`s what I thought back then. I still remember it clearly. 

No matter what I did, she accepted me. Well... sometimes she just ignored my hateful self and it`s annoying in my opinion. But she still likes this kind of person like me. Sometimes I looked her down, I yelled at her without any reason, I was impatient with her and got angry some stupid thing right away. Of course there were time we fought and through a few days we didn`t talk to each other. I hated those days. I hated to be ignored by her and feel like she won`t love me anymore. I would have deserve it. I am a horrible friend. But i learnt that there are people who can accept me as I am. I hurt her so many times and she is still my best friend. But sometimes I feel she doesn`t know how much I need her. She doesn`t know how much I relied her when everybody hated me in the high school. - it was because of the school`s most popular guy, who was my crush -. Thanks to her I could stay strong. Up on everything... she said, I changed her and I showed her how to smile. I don`t know how. 

One of my best friends says that my life is like a drama. She is... the one... who knows me the most even if we didn`t ever meet. She knows that now when we can`t talk, maybe I will be gloomy and lonely. Sure, she is egoist. But I know the same. She needs me. I would be glad if all of my friend think I need them. But they`re not egoist enough. They should be. They deserve it. In my eyes they do. 

But at the end of these stuffs I learnt something. Everything started in elementary school. If those classmates weren`t hate me back then maybe I won`t be this happy now. I was horrible but I never would do those kind of things. I rather don`t have friends than cause pain to others. But first I should loose my friends to not have any. And I don`t have any intention to do that. I need them. 

So, this essay of my bias made me think my past. Sometimes I feel I can understand his feelings. I`m so arrogant to think that, right? How could I understand Kato Shigeaki`s feelings. Never mind. One day if I`ll get the chance to meet him, I`ll say thank to him to made me happy with his writings. 

Let me put one more: 'The moments when I laugh. They are many of them. 

When I get excited over stupid questions with my friends. When I laugh remembering some gag of my trivial friends. When I smile in the street looking at the beautiful cherry tree in Spring. When I laugh loud over a variety show. When I shyly smile looking at the students' couples walking and blushing. I laughed thinking to how many times I do it during a day .'

Isn`t he just amazing as he is? By the way, I love his smile, and laughter. So if it comes to me, his mission is completed in making somebody laugh. 

'...yowakute atarimae honto wa bibitteru dare datte

tada donna toki mo iji wo hatte mamotta kizuna ga kimi no sasae


itsumo kimi no mikata sono tashika na ashi de mukae ashita


kurai kao wa mitakunai dakara kao agete warae Your life

...'

'...It`s natural you`re weak. The truth is everyone is scared.

Just no matter what happens I’m not giving in; the bond that we protected should be your support.

I’ll always be on your side, so with that support below you look to tomorrow

I don’t want to see your depressed face, so chin up and smile! Your life...'

This smile. -> 

Thank you Shige. 

Recently I`m always Shige-biased, I`m sorry. Tell me if I`m annoying. 

Now I finished my serious monologue >< I should go to sleep. I`m writing this entry for 2 hours already! Next time I write I`ll be 19 already. We`re going to a Korean restaurant on Sunday. 

Today I finished my Massu drawings to my friend! I think I like it. :3 Oh, and I got a new nickname... Have I mentioned that I have a bunch of nicks? >< This is 'Sonnie'. It can`t be helped, I love it! *-* Thank you. ♥ 

Sayonara 18 years old me! :3

Sonnie deshita! (*＾▽＾)／ 

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